Welcome Cain and thanks for sharing! Waking up to TTATT also involves a grieving process, anger, sadness, regret, etc.
The elders are trying to set you up with a CO shepherding call? Reminds me of the last CO that had a one-on-one visit with me while I was fading. Within 4 months of our conversation, he'd left the the road. He was so unhappy and seemed to be asking me for advice after my experiences as a bethelite and an ex-bethelite. I "encouraged" him to look for options where he could control his own life and future rather than to leave his fate completely in the hands of the often very fickle branch management. I tried not to be too obvious about finding options outside of being CO, but I suspect that he already was wanting to quit and I was the last little push. I'm not sure what happened to him after that. He was a nice guy... much too nice to be a CO.